time is contagious

Helluh!
I am cold! Because when I said I didn’t have internet what I ACTUALLY meant was that I didn’t have internet in the house and actually preferred going without it than being outside club Nintendo whilst freezing my ass off. But I’m out here with my Sister so she can see Hellsing and skimmed through the blogs and saw Lyle’s and obviously had to write one of my own cause his was rockage. And not just cause he mentioned me ;)
Christmas Eve was strange this year. People missing and stuff...in more ways than one. No Christmas Miracle for this family, not even close, but we can manage without it. Here comes a new year guys, this one is going to be better, cause we’re gonna make it better.
Tomorrow is the super cool Bas tradition to go swimming in the sea the last day of the year! You have to go underwater 3 times minimum to make it count. It’s always my brother, little doggy, me, my uncle, my dad and the ghost of my aunt and her silver scar in the headache cold water. My mum sits on the shore, looking at us, half amused and half as if she thinks we are totally insane.
Which we are.
And it is always so much damn fun. I’ve never given a metaphor to the act (like cleansing ourselves, hehe sounds too pure) and don’t really want to. It’s just...what it is. A piece of good luck, maybe, to last another twelve months. And if it doesn’t work then, oh well, let the salt taste better next time.
But yes, I have officially stolen my Dad’s camera and have taken quite a lot of pictures. I’ll put them up on facebook just because it’s so damn easy to upload them there though I should get a new place to do that. The first day we were here we all (Sara,Paloma,Guille,Laura,Me,thedogs) went to a field opposite the farm and ran and jumped and crazed about like the wild animals we are. The sunlight was everywhere, everywhere; on the leaves and melting across the horizon and in our eyes. And it was so funny when we all perched on a tree and started humming the Zelda theme tune and laughed about how we had grown up and still we were climbing trees and singing about elves and adventures.
And it’s nice when you can say some things never change and actually mean it.
At night we totally geeked out by playing Mario Kart using the Miis of Harry Potter and Voldemort we had created last summer. Though the best was using them in Wii tennis and watching Voldemort’s psycho smile.
And yesterday we had another blow-me-away moment. We all sat outside where the internet could reach us, sat in the cold, in the shadows. Huddled into ourselves as Sara showed us a song which was...raw. I listened to it, looking at the stormy night sky and oh my God what a song. Not something to just listen to whilst walking or working, no way. This song was explosive. When it finished there was a pause of silence and we said what we thought, calmly, because Sara had put herself on the line by showing us something that had impacted her so much (she cried the first time she heard it). And I closed my eyes and said something like,
“It’s like...” my voice shuddered over the silence, “as if the song is everything that is past, as if it comes from somewhere that has seen everything humans have done and can do nothing but cry. It...It sounds like the sound the earth would make after it witnesses a war. Not the violent sounds of the actual war but...In the Battle of the Somme. It sounds like the crying echo the land where it took place would leave behind if we could listen to it.”
And it was the greatest sensation to have Sara look at me and say “That’s just it. Like the earth, its the earth this song comes from. I had felt it, but didn’t know how to put it into words. That was perfect.”
Ah the Shiver feeling. When you know something is so much bigger than you and at the same time....a mere detail.
But yeah, I’m not actually going to say what song it is cause...showing it would be like showing a piece of myself because...when something makes such an impact on you it’s like it melts into you, becomes part of the person you are slowly creating. And so throughout life you are slowly picking pieces up, fitting them together, until you are some sort of strange abstract art. Beautiful and incomprehensible at the same time.
Anyway! This new year is going to rock. I shall tell you a secret and say something in me is afraid when I say that too loudly (touchwood) but I don’t care! Make your own happiness, I say.
Well, the first month of the year is going to start off with (let’s ignore the exams, my friends!) seeing Edward Scissorhands onstage! Fuck yes! Then getting a fucking job and savingsavingsaving. Having super lots of fun i school time despite that and then in June going to Glastonbury. Then having an amazingly long and fantastic Summer and in it Sara, Little Doggy, my brother and yours truly are gonna pack a couple of sleeping bags, the camera, some tinned food, some music, fit it all in a car and just leave. Just us four and whatever we want. We are gonna rough it and be as fucking crazy as possible. Sneak into hotel’s or residence’s pools to shower. Scavenging food or playing (guitar) for money. Stealing vegetables from fields and seeing the sights. Not really planned, not knowing what the fuck is going on. We are going to get lost and wilder and tired until our laughs turn hysterical and not care.
Because you know guys, the only thing I truly truly want to be in this life is a person that DOES. I plan to move around the world, to not settle for ‘comfortable’ or ‘stable’. I will always remember when Mrs Wilson told me that she was unhappy in Jersey. Too small, too boring, students everywhere. And I said “then just leave”. And she smiled and said, “it’s not that easy.”
But I never said it was easy. What I’m saying is it’s worth it. You have a family and a job and- so what!? Is that what life is about? Working and reproducing and getting trapped. No way, man.
And I can tell that when I say these things I just sound like a teenager talking dreams but...I don’t care! Hehe, I don’t care. As Lyle hopes, I’m gonna write a fucking book and make a movie and transmit all these ideas into pages and scenes and characters and I’m going to see my name on a hardback front and cry.
And its going to be wonderful.
And yay I’ve had enough motivation to write over here in Spain! Sara showed me the band ‘Explosions in the Sky’, from a new genre of music called post-modern rock and oh my god. Pure inspiration. I put the music on to study and as it started my trembling fingers had to leave the faulty numbers of statistics and write The Worst of This. It was great. 8 pages so far! Haha it’s truly pathetic how slow I write. Oh well! Slow and steady wins the game. I’ve outlined some characters which I love to do. It has an odd sense of intimacy, playing god. Scratching out the hopes and flaws and history of a person only you know.
Haha, I really don’t know what I would do without being able to write!
But yes. Also! Hehe I wasn’t sure if to tell you this since it’s personal in a strange way, but I don’t think anybody reads this blog beyond those trustworthy and I think when I tell you you’re all gonna sweatdrop and think ‘that is so Marina’. But yes, What I’m gonna do next year is that every week I’m gonna collect the names of a couple of dead people. In the newspaper of from the cemetery or anything. And for each of those people I’m going to do something. Anything. Whistle a song on the street or smile at a stranger or draw a chalk drawing on a wall. Something small, as fleeting as that person was but it will be something. Something so that for that moment the person is living on, past the breathless constraints of death. :)
And I’m gonna say now that the actual idea was not mine. A fictional character did something similar in I don’t know what story and I though “That’s awesome” and since I’m a person that does then here I go! I can even write a simple blog about it! What do you guys think? Chachacha!
Heh, and one more thing, I’m gonna leave this game with you guys. Mainly it’s for Lyle cause I think he’s the only person with the possibility of liking it but I’m putting it up here in case someone else does. It’s about physics and stuff and I will declare you officially smart if you complete it alone.
Okay then. Just some music and great philosophical questions to wrap this up.
Can Zombies have fun?
Why is Guitar Hero so fucking entertaining to watch?
Can Dinosaurs sing?
Why doesn’t princess peach just get an alarm system or something?
Actually, I’m also gonna give you this. It’s my favourite anime and although I know that’s not anybody’s thing I really do recommend it. Very different from other animes and lovely in order to just calmly pass the time.

Right, I’m going to stop now.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :(

I know you all prefer it when I write happy blogs but I just have to say:

Some people are sick in the head.

Is it supposed to be some sort of irony that this was posted the 11th of sept?

I'm so angry right now I don't know what to write. urgh.

this is pure rant

Hey everybody!
Was just watching ‘five awesome guys’, which is strange cause I don’t usually go on youtube if it’s not for music but now that I think about it it stemmed from music-watching. Also, fell in love with this conductor. I was amazed by him, I got tingles all over my body. It was magic, it literally way. The look of awe on his face, of pleasure, the way he conducted with his whole body, his whole expression.
But back to the point: five awesome guys. Are awesome. Loved the idea of 5 strangers just posting a video one day a week each (mon-fri, get it?) and just getting to know each other really well in a short period of time and they were talking about how friends online are made really quickly really intimately because you can get to know them first. You can read their blog and see their youtube videos and it’s different from the real world. And sometimes that annoys me, because it seems cowardly, to say things between screens and not face to face. To not be able to just be strange and sudden and intimate with strangers. Actually, I’m just generally disgruntled with the real world at the moment. And I hate going emo on you guys but it seriously is just pissing me off. And what else am I going to talk about but acceptance? Ok I’ve started ranting now, I can’t stop:
What is the deal with not accepting people that are different than them? The more I think about it the more it seems utterly ridiculous to me. Are different people frightening? No. You know what it is? It just came to me- it’s about barriers. When differences occur, people either perceive or build barriers out of those differences. For example, today Steph went with us to Lucy’s flat for Lucy’s birthday party but didn’t want to go to Oceana (club) because she just didn’t feel like it. And she was insisting on the fact that she was shattered, and she looked obviously uncomfortable when people persisted otherwise but still most of the gang was like ‘come on steph, come on, you’ll enjoy yourself in the end’. And ok I get it; she’s our friend, we want to spend time with her but...peer pressuring her into going out when she clearly doesn’t want to is not the way to be a good friend. And if, for example, steph continued to not want to go out clubbing then instead of getting around it by going to cafes or to the cinema or talking in lectures and over msn, people would decide that the barrier of her not going out with us would be too big to be proper friends with her. Which is just plain wrong. And then at the end of the night I went out of the dance floor to make a call with a friend and she went to the toilet and I was utterly stunned when she came back with tears in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong, thinking it was because she had to go home alone and didn’t want to and so obviously I insisted that it would be fine to go with her but she said it wasn’t that. She looked at me and asked me ‘Why do I always have to be the first one to go home?” and I was just floored. I knew where she was coming from; ideas that, what, she was the boring one? The, the what? Just fucking no, you know? It’s wrong that how society is has made people with such basic differences be made to feel less than what they are because of it. Just no. Be what you want to be. Be what you like. God I’m just by pure coincidence listening to this song that fits well with what I’m saying. I wish I could make people understand that...they are going to die some day and that life is all they have got. Death is nothing- it’s the end of things. Not anything to be fixated about; it’s gonna happen, that’s it. Just make the most of your life. LIVE IT. live it being you, not what other people want you to be.
And...well yeah, urgh this post is going absolutely nowhere it hasn’t been before.
I suck.
But anyway! Can we drop the emo and talk about something happy now? Yes ok: I’m going to steal my dad’s camera at Christmas, and my new year’s resolutions (along with other things which none of you can know about, ha!) is gonna be to take it with me EVERYWHERE and capture stuff. I’ve changed quite a bit with uni in the respect that I am A LOT more confident. I’m not sure if any of my friends know this (my family do cause they rock!!) but I haaaated meeting new people. And not like generally disliked it, I honestly hated it. I didn’t know how to do it and considering how much I have moved school that is quite a problem. But I always felt that I had met enough people- that I had been forced into the meeting-new-people situation enough times. But not now! I’m one of those people that talk to strangers easily and about everything now and it ROCKS!!! People always look at me with surprise but then generally pleasure as well at being so unexpectedly engaged in a conversation.
Right so the point of that was that I’m gonna take my camera and if I meet a person I really like the look of on the street I’m gonna ask if I can take their picture. Yes I totally am! I’ve thought about it and came to the conclusion that if they ever said ok (pressured by it) I would remedy the following posing awkwardness in the picture by making them talk about love or/and death. What I’m gonna do is say “are you in love?” and if they say yes I’m gonna ask them to think about the little things they like best about the other person. To just imagine them, like how he kisses your jaw-line instead of your cheek, or the way his hand lingers in your hair or the way she really listens instead of just waiting for a turn to speak, the way she hold your hand and brushes her thumb over your skin.
And just as they think about those little things I would snap a picture of their face and it will be wonderful. Can you all please tell me how utterly rockage this idea is? Because it is. Strangers rule. Except the creepy ones which leer. Leering is a big no-no people! Oh but I got a really nice look from a guy in a shop the other day. I went to Tesco with Zoe and I was asking her if she didn’t have like weird OCD things she had to do and she said no and as we were paying I was saying “yeah like me, before I go to bed I have to finish listening to the song that’s on in full, I can’t cut it off or I’ll feel really weird. I won’t go completely off but something inside just...” and I could tell the tesco guy was looking at me so I looked up and he had this really nice...interested and understanding look. So yes, conclusion: strangers are good as long as they are not leering.
ALSO! I saw someone walking down the road naked today! Teenager with his friends at night (no children) so creepiness factor was out. It was very funny because I was just thinking about how I’ve had nightmares about that- you know, walking down the street and then suddenly realising I’m only in my panties. LOL. The guy had a tattoo on his ass. Just in case you wanted to know! Really wished I had my camera though, it was SUCH a facebook moment!
And no, guys, I did not look at his penis. Just cause I know you’re thinking it because you are all perverts.
Also I had to jump down a wall and destroy my knees and feet and knock on Kento’s window at like 2 30 because I had forgotten my keys. Funny though cause I scared the shit out of him. He rocks! I send bloglovewaves to Kento. (He is obviously one of my flat mates, guys).
Woah this is long. It’s because I’m hyper. I love being hyper its a million times better than being drunk. I was hyper at Lucy’s and Val was just pissing herself saying she ‘wanted to see more of this Marina!’ and I realised that I was being quite myself! All loud and jokey and just plain- well you all know what I mean when I get like that. Also in Oceana (which is utter piss! Nicole and I vowed never to go back there unless under obligation. The music was suckage except for the end when we re-entered the disco bit and then it was quite good. They played Queen and I was like FRRREEEDDDIIIEEE and also they played YMCA and I was like CCEECCIILL. Oops am I still in the parenthesis? Closing this now...) As I was saying, in Oceana they were playing ‘ready to rumble’ and I swear I was going crazy, Nicole was like WTF!!!?? Cause I was like RRREEEAADDDYY TOOO RUMMBBLLLEEE.
Lol and this blog has transcended into topics which you guys really don't give a shit about. But it’s seven in the fucking morning oh my god.
ALSO! I went to bed at nine the other day. PM!! Yes my friends, you have heard me right. Burnout. I danced in my room for a bit (I do that a lot. And can freely admit it...obviously. It’s fun! Sex on Fire officially rocks.) and then took a shower and then sat in front of my computer and thought “essay due in two days. Must do.” But...yeah it wasn’t happening, so I went to bed (took me hours to get to sleep but ah wells) then slept really badly (I dream A LOT here. Or, if you’re being pedantic, I remember a lot of dreams here. A lot. A lot a lot. Like, almost every night. It’s confusing. Having a lot of dreams with a black puppy in it. In the last it died and so did my brother and I felt very sick because it was my fault.) and then woke up at seven, having 5 hours until my lecture so that I could spent around 3 on the essay in the morning but of course as it happens, just when I had to get up I suddenly fell asleep with no trouble and slept until nine in the morning. (internal clock wakes me up at 9 30 every day now it sucks.) so yeah I was in bed for 12 hours. Not normal. Not normal at all. And now I have a lab report due on Thursday. Oh but guys! I got a 65 on my last one! Yessssss! I’m so happy about that. Got 48 for my first, then only 52 for my second and then it suddenly jumped to 65 (and 70 is a first so- yay). I did no secondary reading cause I thought it wasn’t necessary for lab reports so all I have to do it that and maybe I will get a first for my next one! Woop!
Why am I still talking? Ok I am stopping now.
Will update later maybe with some music. To make up for these failure of this postage.
I love you all, I really just do.
ALSO!...ok no I should stop now. It’s eight now, got distracted msning with Nicole. I really like her, she would beat scissors every time, she would.
Right, this blog is now longer than what an essay is supposed to be.
That is SICK.
For those who have actually read all of this- you are so much better that those who didn’t. And going back and reading it now is cheating, you already suck.
So HA!
Also I’m gonna do another meme soon. Maybe another 15 things I like because u can never get enough liking. Or Lyle’s uni one.
Oh my God Marina stop typi-

A sort of quiet, questioning song by Kid Harpoon.

This blackboard
Weighs heavy
Board rubbers
Leave scars
Exam board
Inspections
To the drawing board
My son
You need curriculum
Strong discipline
So pull up your socks
Stand tall and breathe in

Why am I not rich?
Why is my back sore?
What made us linear?
What did Grandad die for?
Why are there armies?
And whos on our side?
Where does the sun rise?
And where does it hide?

Back to bed
You're dreaming again
Safety in numbers my friend

Picked from a shelf
Sent on parade
Forty hours weekly
Slave for a way
To pick from a shelf
Send on parade
Children of fortune
Make children of fame

Why is this yours?
Why wasn't it mine?
Why do the clocks keep on ticking off time?
Why are there nightmares?
And who made my shoes?
Why are there children shedding blood on the news?

Back to bed
You're dreaming again
Safety in numbers my friend...

Not mine to dedicate, but I will anyways. To Baby P. Who’s 17 fleeting months of life were composed of bruises and cuts and screaming. An ear semi-detached from the head, a bite wound on the head, the tip of a finger stripped from nail and skin, and a spine broken in three places. And that’s physical pain. The fear, and confusion and horror he must have gone through. Not even a proper name for his existence. Just Baby P.
If there is a God...he must be weeping.

Back to bed...you’re dreaming again

Birds

My Blog comes back to life!
This is my first post in Cardiff. Its dynamic, nocturnal ways have greedily stolen all my time from me, but my fingertips have missed the letters dedicated to this page!
I am so happily tired. Weeks seem to supersound fly by. Clubbing party, film social, then a missed gig because of a lab report that dragged until 1 30 in the morning, and then relaxing in a pub at an open mike night are the kinds of stuff that have decorated the last four days.
But tarara, when have I talked about normal stuff on here? I had some awesome moments in the past week. I didn’t sleep at all on Saturday, and I was in my room at dawn, looking at the fold of clouds and sky let the dawn seep in and I crawled across my desk, sat on my windowsill and watched the birds. My fingers were numb with the sharp, fresh cold of the morning as I blinked at the sky, and just...just sat there and breathed and looked. And the noises of dew and seagulls filled the air as I watched the birds twirl and swoop and dance and just...fly. I was so lulled by the whole moment...as if time had stopped. The worry, the work, the excitement...it didn’t exist. I was just tired and cold and happy.
On Monday, also, I was walking back from the club around midnight (after the music turned crap and Beth and I couldn’t stand it anymore) when it started

Pouring.

Streaming, streaming it down and I just stopped in the middle of the bridge that walks me to my residence and looked down at the rippling road below. The orange, tepid streetlights that illuminated the tarmac made the surface seem to come alive with the water and I just stood there, getting soaking wet and shivering and tipsy in a mini skirt. I can’t remember what I was thinking. Nothing. Or just that the water looked like a million creatures and that it felt good. I probably looked like I was about to jump, however, because out of nowhere a voice said
“Are you ok?” I jerked back, startled out of space, and looked at a short oriental-looking man blinking at me below a plastic hood and I shook my head, saying er, yeah, yep, yeah I’m ok, hehehe. He looked at me for a second and then nodded, leaving. I watched him run through the rain and wondered what song I would be listening to if my MP3 weren’t fucked.
So, you know what, life is really good at the moment. Yeah I miss people, yeah I wish some things were different, yeah I’m worried about some people but...I feel so free. Like this is it, now, like I’m my own person. My own shopping, my room, my life. I handle the stuff I need and decide what I want. And ok that means I’m broke and not doing nearly as much work as I should but, whatever. I’ve met some great people, who I can dance madly with in public places, people who like clubbing, and others who like gigs, and more that like the cinema, and other that like just chilling.
But what’s really good as well is that this place inspires me. I’ve been thinking about the book I want to write and the movies in my head constantly lately. Ok I haven’t actually written anything, I’m busy and tired and...yeah basically I’m just plain lazy but at least it’s in my head again. And I love the voice of my muse. The little creature who randomly narrates stuff that is happening. Mostly the sky, because it’s such a difficult thing to put into words. But I’ve taken to carrying a little book and pencil with me everywhere and when I think of a line or idea I jot it down. Which was funny when I was being attended by a chubby man in Orange and I was in awe about the fact that he had about seven pens attached to his front pocket. As he was attending me I was like “Yeah, ahum, yeah it doesn’t sends texts, yeah,” whilst sketching him with words in my note pad, smiling secretly to myself. I also did that in my head yesterday at the open mike night actually. Wouldn’t it be funny to have a blog about all the little things I notice about people and places I meet, or ever the people in my head? About Alice and her wonderland nightmares. About Jack, the vegetarian with the serial killer’s name. About Copper, who smells salty like the sea. About Charlie who doesn’t know, but understands. About Albert, who’s fingers weave secrets that kill. About the little girl who knows that sometimes, silence hurts more.
I am so ready to just rip a book out of me. And I have all these scenes for a movie. I want it to end with a moment that happened to me in summer. I was floating alone on my back in the pool, looking at the sky spin slowly, framed by trees. I want the main character to die, but the very last scene to be her, young again, a memory, floating on water, and as the camera tilts from her to the tilting sky her voice would softly say,

We all turn into ghosts, eventually.

More

I can’t believe it’s gone from being shyly invited to a Halloween Party by Claire and Rachel to dancing in a car park with Freddie and not being able to let go because I’m gonna miss you all so much. There have been some bad times, some arguments and fall-outs and so much drama it’s a wonder how I’m not an actress, but the truth is that has been such a small fraction of my life for the past four (five?) years that it doesn’t even matter. I’ve have so many incredible memories with all of you guys. Things I can just reach into my mind and call back. And the good thing about our group is that we’re all so different that I can pick things from all over the spectrum, from girly chats and shopping trips to anime marathons to swimming in the sea with our clothes on. And I could list all my love, and all the memories, and why each one of you, my marmite friends, are so, so special, but I’m not going to because the thing with friends is that I know you have that list inside you already. So before I get all teary and stupid I’m just going to say...thank you. Thank you for loving me, thank you for tolerating my strangeness. Thank you for thinking it’s ok to want to be a water particle, and a snail, for laughing at my craziness and loving me for me. I sit here right now and my mind is taken over by all those good days, by sitting by the gym, most of all, covered in orange pulp and laughing our heads off.
So, guys, it’ll never be the same again. But that by no means signifies that it’s over! You can’t be rid of me, I’m gonna stick around until you’re six feet under. I love all of you and I’m not gonna say good luck, all you need you already have to make it to the top.

So it’s like I say; Friends (like you) are like pissing your pants. Everybody can see it, but only I can feel the warmth!

The World Is Just Awesome

Late late update.
Er...I remember what happened the 9th, cause I meant to write a blog but was too lazy to. The day was nice though we failed to sail again (fate is earthbound and made of jealousy) but sat drinking iced lemonade and laughing. We ate some churros and decided that the Spanish way of life was the best in the world. Lol, which might sound quite patriotic and whatnot but, come on. Sure naps exist all over the world, but which other country has a siesta as part of the culture? Meriendas. Tapas. Late at getting up, late at eating, late at going to sleep....It’s not that we’re lazy. We’re just well rested! XD
Then we threw ourselves into the pool, slid the aforementioned (inflatable) canoe onto the water and had one of those childish wars where everyone is trying to get on the bloody canoe and we’re pushing and pulling and shrieking and tugging and kicking and crying and laughing until I was exhausted. At one point I leaped unto it, slid across the elevated sides and fell off the other edge, almost drowning as I laughed underwater. It’s rare that I feel so comfortable in only my bikini to just wrestle around in it but I wasn’t even thinking about it as we somehow made groups and tried staying on the thing as long as possible.
Later, when we had tired ourselves out (my arms were literally useless after trying to tip the canoe so many times) we got ready and went to the mall again to have some icecream and see Wall-E. It’s really nice to hang out all of us outside the farm. Little Doggy and I had a complete laughing fit though, I can’t remember the last time something like that happened to us. We were some sort of hyper and as we bought ice cream we literally couldn’t stop laughing. At one point I was trying to say ‘this receipt is calculated to perfection’ but I was gasping for air so badly I couldn’t get it out, which just made it funnier. Then we turned suddenly as a kid started crying and saw a small boy with the face half dripping with ice cream, wailing away, and burst out loudly so that even the shop attendants were giggling into costumer’s faces and saying ‘they’re gonna get all of us going, now!”
I can’t pick out much else, with my catfish mind, outside the usual things. A few bad things. But that happens.
Actually, I also spent another week in La Manga which was even better than the last. But what was really cool was the last night, in which I didn’t sleep at all. For no special reason. Sleeping was just a foreign idea; something that I was to do when I fell down exhausted (which I did, heh). But around nine in the morning I just got up, got my music, and it lasted the song ‘They are night zombies!!’ to walk from the house to the beach, which was being ransacked by a strong wind. The sea was crazy, wild, and not in orderly big waves but with fragmented ones that crashed and sucked in and broke and slammed; it was chaos. I threw myself in and it was half frightening, how it toyed with me so easily. At one point I tried to catch a wave on my back because I was too far in but it slammed me down and when I surfaced, another one hit me, and then another one, and though I wasn’t scared I thought ‘I haven’t slept in almost 24 hours, and haven’t eaten in eleven...this might be bad’. But the experience itself was refreshing and special and chaotic and I loved it.
On that week I also dreamt I could fly, which I haven't done in a while.
Above a city in the sea, though at the time it didn’t seem strange. And it felt so good. So natural. As if it was the thing I had been born to do. And it wasn’t one of those typical dreams where you want to fly but can’t, or end up falling. I was just flying, with not wings or contraptions, but tilting my arms out and gliding. Soaring. I think I was on some errand, or flying for the pleasure of it, but I remember a faint thought of not being able to do this before (obviously out of the dream) and getting the feeling of how ridiculous it seemed, to live without this, this feeling, this ability. It almost had the feeling of hearing a good song or watching the mushishi sky, when I don’t know if I’m breathing too much or not enough, and my chest is trying to expand and contract at the same time and it’s as if I’m trying to contain something which is too big for me and I just can’t. Which always reminds me of the film ‘American Beauty’ which kissed the words off my lips. The living for living. The beauty for beauty...
After that there were also a lot of other special moments, and great days, and fucking, fucking awful moments. But a wonderful moment was in the last day, when we all got into my brother’s room and him and Little Doggy played along with the song ‘Zombie’ by the Cranberries which is just....it’s sex, it’s animal, it’s liquid, it’s waves in your ears, and under the skin, and in your bones. I fucking love that song and it was such a great moment, even if it was interrupted once. But the lights went off and the bass was heavy and the guitar that was accompanying acoustic and, ah, I don’t think I have to say more. The people that get this just will.
And also it was the amazing coincidence that after my brother, Little Doggy and I went to the Asiatic restaurant and got in the car, the radio was playing the song. The radio, in Spain, playing a song by the Cranberries. And out of all their songs, Zombie. And starting just when we got in. We were all surprised into a giggling silence.
And then back in Jersey, back to my clan of crazy dudes. Today was great, starting when I woke up at two in the afternoon by Freddie’s call up till right now, good things haven’t stopped happening. Dancing in the car with Freddie and wading knee-deep in the sea and taking pictures and a great sunset.
Today just has two things to say.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmBSwizauLg
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at_f98qOGY0